I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
