Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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