life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
