Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
