the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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