my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
