my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
