worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
