Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There's always time for handjobs
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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