they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
