Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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