Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
