Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
