If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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