I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
