sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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