We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
