i need an iv and a liver transplant
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
