I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
