My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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