Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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