is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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