I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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