"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
