i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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