WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
