got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
