Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
