I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
