if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
