What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
