I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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