You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
