yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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