Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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