He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
