i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
