I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
