I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Success! We fucked roommates!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
