where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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