Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
