Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
