If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
