there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
