Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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