Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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