remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
