I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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