your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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