he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
zippers are such a cool invention
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
