I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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