i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
