he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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