There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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