my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
