apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
