I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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